In Korea I have had to face some personal demons.
Since moving to Korea in 2013 I have faced a lot of mental break downs and times of crippling depression.
As my hands are shaking typing this now I have come to the complete conclusion that
I've fucked up.
As human beings we do things we aren't always proud of what we've done and blaming it solely on my depression isn't fair to anyone and not even myself.
I recently started listening to an audio book called You are a Badass by Jen Sincero.
It's the typical self help book with some pretty basic concepts but listening to this has kind of put me into an epiphany.
Even though I am unhappy with myself and dare I say jealous of others
I shouldn't shut them out
Coping with my depression is hard and it's been a struggle not only for myself but my family seeing it from a far and Kyu dealing with it in Korea.
To be blatantly honest I'm not happy where I am in my life.
simple fact.
I despise living in Korea. I despise working here even more.
On one hand I feel like I'm in no position to complain about living here or the opportunities living here has given me, but the truth of the matter is everyday
I dream of the day I can get on the airplane with Kyu and let this chapter in my life come to an end.
At one point in the book (I haven't finished it yet) She talks about letting go of depression and anxiety by forgiving your past and letting the future happen the way it's intended to.
This hit a cord deep within me. Because of my jealousy I've completely ignored some people and just would forget to reply or simply felt so guilty I had no idea what to say.
Side A:
I love being abroad because I can travel and work a mediocre job and just coast and make money.
Side B:
Compare to all your successful friends back home with real jobs and families and sink into a depression induced coma.
Maybe it's just me who feels this way.
To scroll down your new feed seeing your friends getting married, having children, advancing in their field, etc.
Sometimes I find it hard not to compare myself to others.
Maybe I guess what I'm saying is that I've held on too much to the comparisons I've made against my self and others.
It's time to apologize for my short comings and bull headedness.
To those I've hurt.
I'm sorry.
I swear I'm a decent human being. (Most of the time)
Just like everyone out there wrapped up in work, side gigs, and life,
I've become victim of my own jealousy and rage.
Time to make amends.
💜💜💜💜
Having the courage and actually saying I'm sorry means you are more than a decent human being. Some people never learn that life lesson. I agree - jealously sucks! But being able to live and thrive abroad in a different culture is success to me! We ALL have those times we don't feel "successful," we just don't talk about them because a beautiful highlight social media reel is more acceptable. Sometimes success is getting through the day, not spontaneously quitting your job from frustration, and being able to communicate and spend quality time with your significant other. (said from experience.) You're not alone!
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