I've messed up.

In Korea I have had to face some personal demons. 

Since moving to Korea in 2013 I have faced a lot of mental break downs and times of crippling depression. 

As my hands are shaking typing this now I have come to the complete conclusion that 

I've fucked up. 

As human beings we do things we aren't always proud of what we've done and blaming it solely on my depression isn't fair to anyone and not even myself.

I recently started listening to an audio book called You are a Badass by Jen Sincero. 

It's the typical self help book with some pretty basic concepts but listening to this has kind of put me into an epiphany. 

Even though I am unhappy with myself and dare I say jealous of others 

I shouldn't shut them out 

Coping with my depression is hard and it's been a struggle not only for myself but my family seeing it from a far and Kyu dealing with it in Korea. 

To be blatantly honest I'm not happy where I am in my life. 

simple fact.

I despise living in Korea. I despise working here even more.  

On one hand I feel like I'm in no position to complain about living here or the opportunities living here has given me, but the truth of the matter is everyday 

I dream of the day I can get on the airplane with Kyu and let this chapter in my life come to an end. 

At one point in the book (I haven't finished it yet) She talks about letting go of depression and anxiety by forgiving your past and letting the future happen the way it's intended to. 

This hit a cord deep within me. Because of my jealousy I've completely ignored some people and just would forget to reply or simply felt so guilty I had no idea what to say. 

Being abroad is like a double ended sword. 

Side A: 

I love being abroad because I can travel and work a mediocre job and just coast and make money.

Side B: 

Compare to all your successful friends back home with real jobs and families and sink into a depression induced coma.

Maybe it's just me who feels this way. 

To scroll down your new feed seeing your friends getting married, having children, advancing in their field, etc. 

Sometimes I find it hard not to compare myself to others. 

Maybe I guess what I'm saying is that I've held on too much to the comparisons I've made against my self and others. 

It's time to apologize for my short comings and bull headedness.

To those I've hurt. 

I'm sorry.  

I swear I'm a decent human being. (Most of the time) 

Just like everyone out there wrapped up in work, side gigs, and life, 

I've become victim of my own jealousy and rage. 

Time to make amends.

💜💜💜💜

What is Love

In Korea as a woman who is on the bigger side and happens to be a foreigner we face a lot of issues. 

Mainly about size. 

Today I was actually feeling abnormally perky and wanted to look cute for work. 

So I did my make up nicely and put on my favorite smock dress. 

It's definitely teacher vibes

Needless to say I was feeling myselfffff

But of course working with children they tend to knock you down from your high horse. 

I had one lil ass hat repeat over and over how ugly I looked today and if I got my dress at the "fat store." Now usually smug little ass holes like that I can deal with. I just threatened to tell his home room teacher and Korean teacher and he shaped up.

Then I have one of the bosses kids who likes to come in and chat with me while I'm finishing up my grading and all the other teachers have left. 

He said to me 

"Teacher why are you so fat?"

*** he's actually a big boy himself mind you***

I said (because I actually like this kid), "Because my mom died and because I was sad all the time I felt like eating helped me." 

He then said, "Oh, that's not good."

Then he causally pointed to my new wedding hanbok that got delivered which I'm super jazzed about and asked, "Teacher, what's this?"

I replied, "Oh it's my wedding hanbok."

He then said, "Teacher, is your husband fat too?"

I told him, "No, actually he's much thinner than I am."

((Shows him this picture)) 

"Teacher, he's really skinny."

Me,"I know he is."

I then felt compelled to tell him that it doesn't really matter what you look like or who you are because you can fall in love with someone for who they are. 

Now Kyu is obviously biased and thinks I'm gooooorrrrrgeous hahaha 

and

 I think he's super duper handsome ^^

But I guess the point here is that love is love no matter which way you cut it. Sure I'm not necessarily happy with how big I am but I'm doing things to keep myself healthy and active and I know making changes takes time and effort. 

But that's between me and my scale ^^

I also needed to vent about being called fat so many times today too.

 I'm not used to this. hahaha

 I usually wear tights and a tshirt to work and for once I dress up and get called an ogre. 

Never the less

How was everyone's week? 

Tell me something AMAZING that happened to you <3

I'll go first:

Tomorrow is Friday. What a blessing 

xoxo

Julie