I've been feeling really depressed lately and I have been back and forth about wether or not to write this blog post.
I am hoping this makes me feel slightly better.
Here it goes.
(deep breath)
Being an expat is not always rainbows and butterflies like I've mentioned previously. I find times when I crave being home more than anything else in world.
I would give anything to be with my friends and family just for a moment.
The most guilt I feel is over missing important events in my friends lives. No matter if it's a promotion, babies, comforting then or WEDDINGS.
When the opportunity arose to come to Korea I was faced with a heavy decision.
My best friend from kindergarten named Amanda was getting married in July and she asked me to be her bridesmaid. I of course accepted the offer because she's like family to me. So in October when I got offered a job I jumped. Not thinking about others or anything. Just self satisfaction.
To this day I feel guilt for missing her wedding. I sit here thinking I missed the single most important day in her life and I wont be able to get that back. My heart still aches from not being able to watch my friend walk down the aisle and marry her best friend.
I also missed another good friend Roxanne's wedding in December. Seeing pictures and how happy and incredibly beautiful she was hurt me. I felt helpless.
This year I will be attending my best friend and former room mate's wedding in Texas as a brides maid. Even though I've been keyed in on everything that was being planned from her bridal shower to her bachelorette festivities I feel pain.
Who am I to waltz in and wear a dress as her best friend and brides maid when I didn't help. I didn't do anything to deserve it. All of the women in her bridal party worked tirelessly to make it all so special for her. Not being there for her physically makes me feel so useless.
I know all of my friends understand the situation I am in but I don't feel like it's a valid excuse. Sure I live far away but you are my friend and your are my family I SHOULD BE THERE.
To all of Sarah's bridal party I want to say sorry.
I want to tell you that everything y'all have done for her has been spectacular and I wish I could have been there to help. I know I may have been unresponsive for mostly everything that went on but it was difficult to read everything and I felt like my opinion didn't really matter anyways. I want you all to know that what I feel is genuine and I appreciate everything you've done for her and put my name on. Seriously thank you.
I will most likely be missing another VERY important wedding in September. My best friend Tammy will get married and I wont be able to share those memories with her.
I feel like this has literally been eating me from the inside out.
Thank you all for listening to me.
Without a doubt my friends are my family and I wouldn't have been able to get though all the hard times in my life without y'all. Even though I cannot physically be there for you I want you to always know that I love you and care about you more than you can imagine.
I love you.
Julie.
