I've messed up.

In Korea I have had to face some personal demons. 

Since moving to Korea in 2013 I have faced a lot of mental break downs and times of crippling depression. 

As my hands are shaking typing this now I have come to the complete conclusion that 

I've fucked up. 

As human beings we do things we aren't always proud of what we've done and blaming it solely on my depression isn't fair to anyone and not even myself.

I recently started listening to an audio book called You are a Badass by Jen Sincero. 

It's the typical self help book with some pretty basic concepts but listening to this has kind of put me into an epiphany. 

Even though I am unhappy with myself and dare I say jealous of others 

I shouldn't shut them out 

Coping with my depression is hard and it's been a struggle not only for myself but my family seeing it from a far and Kyu dealing with it in Korea. 

To be blatantly honest I'm not happy where I am in my life. 

simple fact.

I despise living in Korea. I despise working here even more.  

On one hand I feel like I'm in no position to complain about living here or the opportunities living here has given me, but the truth of the matter is everyday 

I dream of the day I can get on the airplane with Kyu and let this chapter in my life come to an end. 

At one point in the book (I haven't finished it yet) She talks about letting go of depression and anxiety by forgiving your past and letting the future happen the way it's intended to. 

This hit a cord deep within me. Because of my jealousy I've completely ignored some people and just would forget to reply or simply felt so guilty I had no idea what to say. 

Being abroad is like a double ended sword. 

Side A: 

I love being abroad because I can travel and work a mediocre job and just coast and make money.

Side B: 

Compare to all your successful friends back home with real jobs and families and sink into a depression induced coma.

Maybe it's just me who feels this way. 

To scroll down your new feed seeing your friends getting married, having children, advancing in their field, etc. 

Sometimes I find it hard not to compare myself to others. 

Maybe I guess what I'm saying is that I've held on too much to the comparisons I've made against my self and others. 

It's time to apologize for my short comings and bull headedness.

To those I've hurt. 

I'm sorry.  

I swear I'm a decent human being. (Most of the time) 

Just like everyone out there wrapped up in work, side gigs, and life, 

I've become victim of my own jealousy and rage. 

Time to make amends.

💜💜💜💜

What is Love

In Korea as a woman who is on the bigger side and happens to be a foreigner we face a lot of issues. 

Mainly about size. 

Today I was actually feeling abnormally perky and wanted to look cute for work. 

So I did my make up nicely and put on my favorite smock dress. 

It's definitely teacher vibes

Needless to say I was feeling myselfffff

But of course working with children they tend to knock you down from your high horse. 

I had one lil ass hat repeat over and over how ugly I looked today and if I got my dress at the "fat store." Now usually smug little ass holes like that I can deal with. I just threatened to tell his home room teacher and Korean teacher and he shaped up.

Then I have one of the bosses kids who likes to come in and chat with me while I'm finishing up my grading and all the other teachers have left. 

He said to me 

"Teacher why are you so fat?"

*** he's actually a big boy himself mind you***

I said (because I actually like this kid), "Because my mom died and because I was sad all the time I felt like eating helped me." 

He then said, "Oh, that's not good."

Then he causally pointed to my new wedding hanbok that got delivered which I'm super jazzed about and asked, "Teacher, what's this?"

I replied, "Oh it's my wedding hanbok."

He then said, "Teacher, is your husband fat too?"

I told him, "No, actually he's much thinner than I am."

((Shows him this picture)) 

"Teacher, he's really skinny."

Me,"I know he is."

I then felt compelled to tell him that it doesn't really matter what you look like or who you are because you can fall in love with someone for who they are. 

Now Kyu is obviously biased and thinks I'm gooooorrrrrgeous hahaha 

and

 I think he's super duper handsome ^^

But I guess the point here is that love is love no matter which way you cut it. Sure I'm not necessarily happy with how big I am but I'm doing things to keep myself healthy and active and I know making changes takes time and effort. 

But that's between me and my scale ^^

I also needed to vent about being called fat so many times today too.

 I'm not used to this. hahaha

 I usually wear tights and a tshirt to work and for once I dress up and get called an ogre. 

Never the less

How was everyone's week? 

Tell me something AMAZING that happened to you <3

I'll go first:

Tomorrow is Friday. What a blessing 

xoxo

Julie 

Helloooooooooo (update)

Hiiiiiieeeeeee

So obviously I'm not consistent.... 

well I'm never really consistent about posting.  

I come on here randomly and try to make my thoughts come together in a cohesive manner for the sake of well staying on track. 

As I sit in bed with my land lord in my bathroom I decided it'd be a perfect time to just write a little something....

I'm literally in my little black natori gown and robe 

listening to them bicker about my toilet and she continues to pick up random things off of my floor. 

She complained about the smell in my kitchen 

as the night before I made bomb ass mushroom chicken.

 I guess the after math does smell a bit off putting 

oh well...

So life back in Korea has been a whirl wind for the best and worst. 

Mainly the worst over the past 6 weeks I furiously scrambled to get my shit together and get ready for open class. 

If you are unfamiliar with "open class" it's when you put on a memorized performance for their parents to show them their kids are smart and talented. When in fact everything is basically memorized you've done 0 curriculum work but hey look at them sing and dance!

I legit had a panic attack in front of my supervisor about 2 weeks ago today. 

f u c k i n g  a w e s o m e

it's moments like this where I'd rather shrivel up into dust and disappear

(thumbs up)

(deep breath)

Now that it's all over I can breath again *kinda* 

Kyu and I have officially started his immigration paper work as well! 

Which was another huge stress point for me. But all in all we got it done and *SOON* I'll be writing and doing a video about our immigration journey ! 

Enough about me and my dismal existence  💨

Tell me something that you accomplished in the month of May!!!

No matter big or small an accomplishment is progress

Here I'll go first ...

GETTING THE PAPER WORK SUBMITTED TO THE EMBASSY

(legit I cried tears of joy)

I'm excited tomorrow is June 1st and the beginning of a new month and new goals and opportunities! 

Goal 1:

Smile more

Now you go!

......

xoxo

KoKo

Here's a picture of Eddie Huang. 

Famous chef and author of Fresh off the boat. 

Eddie Huang + Fidget spinnerz = greatness

That's all. 

2 months later

previously on my blog.....

My last entry was my teary goodbye to South Korea

Coming back home has definitely had its moments...

I've honestly been wanting to write this but I've been struggling with how I want to write this.

I have felt a range of emotions the past 2 months

but the strongest emotion is

confusion.

As I started working this week the time has flown and I just think 

okay, i can do this. 10 more months ... it'll go quickly

but I cant help that I want to go back

I miss Kyu a lot

my insurance

my kids 

and

F O O D!

I want to start doing youtube videos again once I strike a balance with work and free time. 

I did bring back 3 suitcases full of skin care I want to share with you all!

If you have any questions about skin care of living in Korea please feel free to ask! 

Have a good week end!

xoxo

Julie

It's Skin Foot Peeling Pack Review && How To!

I have to admit 

there is something oddly satisfying about doing a foot peel

Watching all the dead skin just flake off and leave a silky smooth layer of skin is really nice hahah

I sound super creepy 

sorry haha

Anyways here's my video and stick around until the end 

to see my boyfriend's reaction to my feet! 

Thanks for watching!

week 18

monsoon season, the bachelorette, depression, & learning to meditate

This week has been hectic to say the least.

Between the rain pouring down like it's the end of the world to the humidity blasting at 3000% it's made things difficult to say the least. 

After work I stayed inside and played with Soguem and watched this weeks episode of the Bachelorette. 

I have to admit it's my little slice of Americana haha This season's batch of dude are grade A douche's. We all know who will win but we all hope for someone else haha and yes I am talking about Jordan being the front runner in this. unfortunately. 

but who wouldn't want to spend the holidays with Aaron Rodgers and family. 

duh

I've been pretty down lately hence the lack of videos this week and this one being a tad late. I'm feeling pretty alone and I'm just not used to spending so much time in my head. 

thats why

I reached out to my dear friend mary mecca at Self Love Medicine for some advice.

Self Love Medicine on Facebook

She has some great articles about learning how to meditate and some great ways to get back to that loving feeling. 

I've really enjoyed reading her posts and took her advice and started doing some guided meditations to clear my head space. 

The first time I did a meditation

I felt tears stream down my face 

and 

it felt good.

Needless to say I am going to be making more of an effort to keep this up so it will help with my mood and my outlook on life.

So without further adieu here is this week's video

art work by my awesome 2nd grade student! 

xoxo

Julie

week 17

hey hey hey

week 17 blasted by!

i cant believe that pretty soon it'll be half a year until i go home! i cannot wait.

i feel like it's so close... yet so far!

humpf!

anyways here my new video and the unveiling of my new do!!

xoxo

julie