Julie's Final 52 | Episode 4

Julie's Final 52 | Episode 4

Hey y'all !

Week 4 out of 52! 

I wish I could say the weeks have been flying by since I started this.

 But I'm still going haha

I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU! To everyone who has been watching and supporting me while I do this! It's been really therapeutic for me to just talk. 

Again Thanks everyone!

Love y'all

xoxo 

Guilt.

I've been feeling really depressed lately and I have been back and forth about wether or not to write this blog post. 

I am hoping this makes me feel slightly better.

Here it goes. 

(deep breath) 

Being an expat is not always rainbows and butterflies like I've mentioned previously. I find times when I crave being home more than anything else in world. 

I would give anything to be with my friends and family just for a moment. 

The most guilt I feel is over missing important events in my friends lives. No matter if it's a promotion, babies, comforting then or WEDDINGS.

When the opportunity arose to come to Korea I was faced with a heavy decision. 

My best friend from kindergarten named Amanda was getting married in July and she asked me to be her bridesmaid. I of course accepted the offer because she's like family to me. So in October when I got offered a job I jumped. Not thinking about others or anything. Just self satisfaction. 

To this day I feel guilt for missing her wedding. I sit here thinking I missed the single most important day in her life and I wont be able to get that back. My heart still aches from not being able to watch my friend walk down the aisle and marry her best friend. 

I also missed another good friend Roxanne's wedding in December. Seeing pictures and how happy and incredibly beautiful she was hurt me. I felt helpless. 

This year I will be attending my best friend and former room mate's wedding in Texas as a brides maid. Even though I've been keyed in on everything that was being planned from her bridal shower to her bachelorette festivities I feel pain. 

Who am I to waltz in and wear a dress as her best friend and brides maid when I didn't help. I didn't do anything to deserve it. All of the women in her bridal party worked tirelessly to make it all so special for her. Not being there for her physically makes me feel so useless. 

I know all of my friends understand the situation I am in but I don't feel like it's a valid excuse. Sure I live far away but you are my friend and your are my family I SHOULD BE THERE. 

To all of Sarah's bridal party I want to say sorry. 

I want to tell you that everything y'all have done for her has been spectacular and I wish I could have been there to help. I know I may have been unresponsive for mostly everything that went on but it was difficult to read everything and I felt like my opinion didn't really matter anyways. I want you all to know that what I feel is genuine and I appreciate everything you've done for her and put my name on. Seriously thank you.

I will most likely be missing another VERY important wedding in September. My best friend Tammy will get married and I wont be able to share those memories with her. 

I feel like this has literally been eating me from the inside out. 

Thank you all for listening to me. 

Without a doubt my friends are my family and I wouldn't have been able to get though all the hard times in my life without y'all. Even though I cannot physically be there for you I want you to always know that I love you and care about you more than you can imagine. 

I love you.

Julie.

Friends

Friends.

As simple as the title may seem this word comes with a lot of complicated feelings and situations.

I am not stranger to home sickness even on the brightest of days. Being millions of miles away from your friends and family can take a huge toll on your heart. 

Last Sunday I went into full out fetal position because I was on facebook seeing all my beautiful friends getting married, buying houses, and having beautiful children. 

The thought that echoed through my mind was:

What if they forget about me... I'm so far away and they only see me once a year, it just seems like I will slip away from their new adult life. 

I went immediately into panic mode and just started bawling. 

Sometimes being here makes me feel lonely and lost in translation. When I see my friends doing well, I am absolutely over the moon for them, but secretly jealous and questioning my own life choices. 

I know before I came to Korea I had some critics saying, 

"What are you running from?"

"You can't live there forever."

"You should be an adult and start your life here"

Without a doubt it hurt hearing those things, but ultimately I got here and I'm actually pretty proud of myself and the life I have chosen. sometimes.

Let me get to the point:

The point is I've been personally struggling with friendships here (in Korea) and my friendships at home (in America). 

The way I see it is, in Korea there are different categories of friends; work friends, party friends, and actual friends. 

Sure the same applies no matter where you are from in the world BUT making friends in a foreign country isn't as easy and some people may think. 

It's absolutely true when people say,"Foreigners judge other foreigners." Hell I'm guilty of it. But here to find genuine relationships that will last forever is difficult. Different circles of friends, gossip, and constant 1-ups on people becomes childish and dull. 

Lately the pressure of putting a smile on and being tight lipped has really gotten me down. 

The point of having friends is to enjoy their company and to foreign together. 

Lately I've been keeping to myself and hanging out with my boyfriend and just trying to work on myself. 

I have to admit going home in July in always bitter sweet. Last year it felt great to see everyone and I realized I wasn't missing much... but this year I may feel different. 

Life abroad isn't always rainbows and butterflies and there are some personal hardships that come with it. 

I just the moral of the story is to stay true to yourself and have fun. Find people who uplift you, instead of tear you down. 

To all my friends I love you and miss you. I don't tell y'all enough but you guys mean to world to me. At some point I will come home for good....

For now I'm not done exploring. 

xoxo

Julie